What do you think of my story so far?
I stood on top of the mountain surveying the wreckage of this latest disaster. For the last year, every town had suffered horrendous damages, and I don’t know how anyone survived. Tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanoes erupting destroyed civilisation as we all knew it, and for all I knew, on that fateful day I could have been the last survivor. The last man standing as it were, but I didn’t feel like celebrating- why would I, in this lonely world?
I walked over to the old lodge, one of the only buildings left, and sat down inside, opening one of the cupboards. Five cans of beans, expiration date- five months ago. A loaf of bread, stale and rotting, lying discarded next to a bar of chocolate. Smiling in relief that I wasn’t quite out of food just yet, that I might survive, I opened the can of beans and ate it quickly, leaving everything else lying there.
Staring out at the room around me I groaned, trying not to remember my life before all of this horror. Hearing a crash behind me, I ran out of the lodge onto the snowy mountain. A man was standing opposite me, glaring at me with cold eyes.
“Are you… Kathy?” he asked, hesitant.
“Yes!” I said, feeling ecstatic.
“I have something to ask you, a favour”
I narrowed my eyes. “If you’re asking for food, then you’re not getting any. I’ve got to look after myself-“
He laughed. “No, no, I don’t need food. I’ve got enough of that. I know a way that this all could have been stopped. Don’t you want to hear what it is?”
“No! It’s too late for scientists to save anybody- even if there was anybody left to save”
The man remained quiet for a moment then shook his head.
“If you could go back and save them, would you, whatever the cost?”
“Of course I would” I snapped.
“Say it, say you would, whatever the cost, say those words!” he urged, and ignoring how stupid he sounded, at his insistence I whispered the words.
His eyes glowed red and he smirked.
“You shall get your wish”.
The world seemed to spin, into a rainbow of different colours, and then I was falling through the air. When that sickening sensation stopped, I was lying on grass. Real grass; that I thought had all been destroyed! Not concrete, or mud, or the wooden floorboards of the lodge. Sitting up quickly, I saw a bricked building, with large glass windows, showing food inside. Confused and disorientated, I looked up – it seemed to be a supermarket. But how was that possible? That would mean that… someone… someone had survived -a whole town maybe! And how was I here?
Staggering inside, I picked up a newspaper and glanced at the date, displayed firmly at the top of the page. February 1st 2010. I nearly fainted, realising that I had been catapulted back in time, to the day before the disaster, knowing everything that would happen. Smiling despite myself, I knew that I had the chance to save some of my family – anyone, to make a difference to the horrors that would soon suffocate this place.
Running back outside, I found my way back to the place that had been my best friend’s home, and stood outside the door, staring through the window to see both of our families sitting round the table. Ecstatic I open the door and run inside, forgetting what I knew of the future.
“You ok?” Ed,my friend, says and I stand there frozen, remembering what would soon happen.
"Sorry, are you…" I swallowed nervously, staring at the TV, which was displaying news of an earthquake somewhere in the world.
"What? You sound… confused. And have you seen what you’re wearing?"
I glanced down at the torn, oversized clothes I had stolen from one of the rooms in the lodge. I narrowed my eyes, knowing that I must save them – my family and Ed’s.
Sprinting into the next room, I found a wallet lying on the mantelpiece and turned to Ed.
"What are you doing with that?" he said sternly.
"Look, it’s for your own good" I snapped.
"How’s stealing 500 quid of my family’s money for my own good?"
"You’ll see" I said darkly, trying not to cry.
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5 comments
J on May 29, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Wow! That sounds really great! keep going. Take a time everyday to have a cup of Coffee and write. good luck.
Chloe on May 29, 2010 at 9:10 pm
It seems to have a nice flow. Some punctuation might be reviewed, though. For example, instead of the dash after, "feel like celebrating- ," you might replace that with an em-dash. And after the "You’ll see" you might want to have a comma (You’ll see," …)
Imli on May 29, 2010 at 9:10 pm
The plot’s great, but the writing is a little sluggish and unstable. It looks like you’ve been writing in a hurry. The essence of any good story is in its instant ability to capture the imagination of the reader and transport them to exactly where the writer wants them to be as the plot unfolds.
Judging by your prose construction I’d say you’re a new writer. Here are some suggestions that you might find helpful.
* Don’t rush–however much you may want to. If you do, you might have to strike out entire chapters later.
* Be organised–and most importantly, make the story believable, even if it’s fantasy or science fiction. In your story above, the readers are so quickly and forcefully thrust with the plot that many will be left more confused than interested. Just within four paragraphs the most important part of the plot is told. Engage the reader thoroughly before taking the plunge.
You are a great story-teller, nevertheless, and I’m sure with some practice your writing too will catch up with your imagination. Good luck!!!
just as funky on May 29, 2010 at 9:10 pm
i like your story… very nice… and what u commented on my question, it doesnt have to be 5 mins cuz i hav a poster but i was just saying that i need a long one
James on May 29, 2010 at 9:10 pm
That’s really good. I really really want to know what happens next! I hope you try and publish that. I like the way you’ve showed clearly the emotion of your main character and how she is so scared. Well written!