Is this normal in a Chinese family, or am I being used? Sorry for the length.?
This past winter, I got married to a Chinese man in Shanghai. His immediate family lives in Sichuan and, according to him, they had no money (even before the earthquake). Therefore, despite the tradition that says that his family was responsible for everything related to the wedding, my family ended up shelling the money out. Also, we came to an agreement that the wedding would be in Shanghai because we met there and also because of the extensive damage from the earthquake.
His mother arrived a week before the wedding and everything went South from there. She looked at me like I was a leper when I first met her at the airport and absolutely hated it when her son even talked to me while she was in the room. She would literally talk over me whenever I said something and wouldn’t even look a me if she could help it. Of course, when she wanted me to buy something, I was expected to shell out for it.
I think the kicker came when we went to buy the rings. She and another relative came with us. I bought mine, and when it came time for my husband to choose his, she intervened and chose one of the most expensive ones in the case for him. Of course, he folded and went with it. Then she proceeded to buy herself a ring that cost more than mine. Remember, my family had had to pay for the wedding because she supposedly had no money. Then, the night before the wedding, she threw a very theatrical crying fit that really made the other relatives angry with her.
On the day of the wedding, she skipped the tea ceremony that was held at a relative’s house. Luckily, we were able to improvise and it went beautifully. Then, at the banquet, she showed up late, refused to bless or even look at us, and left early. She refused to bless us in front of all of our guests, and the videographer mercifully cut this out of the wedding video.
The next day, my oh-so-loving husband took the red envelope money his relatives had given us along with about 1,000 RMB from my purse and went on a nine-hour shopping spree with her and without me.
He’s going in for his visa interview in three weeks. Once his mother was out of the picture, everything was fine. However, this continues to bother me and I am really starting to question whether or not I should go through with this. Was this normal? Another thing is that I’m American but not white or Asian (I’m a Pacific Islander) and some of my friends have been suggesting that that might have been a factor. Either way, it just really worries me that I became garbage/an ATM while she was there and I wonder what he’s going to do when he comes to America.
What would you do in this situation?
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8 comments
Mr Hex Vision on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
It seems that the only only is your husbands mother. This does happen a lot with Chinese marriages, that the parents of one of the couple does not think that they are right for there little daughter or son. From what you’re saying it seems although the mother is the only one. I have known whole families refused to turn up at the blessings before.
I’m afraid that Chinese in-law relationships are full of drama and often involve "points scoring" at times. You will just have to be patient and don’t let her coldness bother you. In her case nothing is too perfect for her only son, which with time will not be able to see much as he moves to the USA, and Chinese relationships is all about the family. After sometime, and it can take a year or too to warm up to you, in most cases parents barely meet there daughters or sons partners until they get married. Even then they will say things and criticise you still.
But you have to know when to put your foot down, you’ve husband was wrong to take the money from your purse without telling you. In most cases its the wife who controls the money in the household. In some households the husband doesn’t even know the pin number of his bank card. I can’t really will tell you what happens if when he gets to America but if he is a normal Chinese person he will want to work.
I would also await crafylass’s answer.
Cameron on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
It sounds most of the problems are coming from his mother. I would sit down and have a chat with both him and his mother and ask what the problem is and try to explain how you feel. If he fakes ignorance or won’t listen, call everything off, because if he can’t sit down and listen to you for 2 seconds, he isn’t worth it. It sounds like you’re in a bit of a sticky situation, but it seems as if you’re wasting time and money on him and his family. You seem like an amazing person and you’ll know when you meet the right person. Just listen to your heart, you’ll know what to do.
Cameron. :]
Vulken on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
How well do you know this guy?
And what is it you love about him so much.
Does he even have a job or does that not matter to you.
It seems kinda fishy I hope you’re not just settling for the first guy that asks you to marry them.
Craftylass on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
I have been married to my 100% ethnically Chinese husband (but born in the US) who is the first born son of Chinese immigrant parents for over 12 years now. What you are experiencing is VERY normal!
My husband still allows his mother to "boss" him around and he has a very difficult time "standing up" to her. If he does, then she accuses him of not being "filial." She was very opposed to our moving to China because she and her husband left there . . . our moving there was a "rejection" of their choice. (Her views, not ours.)
The first few years of our marriage were very difficult because my husband felt like he was between a rock and a hard place when it came to me and his mother. Remember, he was born in the US, raised in the US, fully exposed to US customs and even a part of US customs, yet expected to put his parents (especially his mother) first. She would literally take him to a meal and make a list of complaints against me . . . petty things like, "She didn’t say good morning first," or "She didn’t wear the clothing I wanted her to wear." (I’m a very casual person and I don’t dress up much, much to my MIL’s chagrin who dresses up to go out and get the newspaper.) She tried to plan a birthday celebration for my husband (this was about six months before we got married) that included a trip to Cancun. I told her I wouldn’t be able to get the time off from work (since I was getting married and wanted to take vacation then!) and she said that I didn’t need to go on the birthday trip! My husband nixed the trip as well for the exact same reason . . . his vacation time was for our wedding and our honeymoon!
After a while, you just become numb to it all. Children made it easier. However, my MIL has never quite accepted that her son has another woman in her life. Plus, traditional Chinese customs places the daughter-in-law as "property." In old times, arranged marriages happened while the couple were still children and the daughter-in-law was brought into the MIL’s home to serve the MIL.
If things are fine without MIL, then press on. Try not to to push him to choose between the two of you, though, because you’ll end up being the loser. You can’t undo years of training by his mom and he’s not familiar with American culture. However, since you live far away from them, you’ll only have to put up with this kind of behavior on an occasional basis.
I live in China now, am raising my children in a Chinese environment and speak Chinese reasonably well. However, my MIL never compliments me, always complains about my children’s behavior, always tells me how bad my Chinese is and basically criticizes almost everything I do. It’s just the way she is. I’ll never be good enough for her son and she probably feels I’m a negative influence on him.
It’s a vicious circle.
I wouldn’t give up on your marriage based on what happened at your ceremony. It could very well be that your husband went against family wishes to marry you. That’s a tough pill for a mother to swallow. It also could be she is quite afraid that you will take him away from her completely . . . something she will probably hold against you for the rest of your life.
One other thing . . . my MIL (who has lived in the US for over 50 years), definitely associates the amount of money spent on something as a symbol of love. My husband once, for her birthday, gave her two CDs that were on sale . . . she, to this day, holds this against him. She fully expects that people should spend lots of money on her gifts. When my husband’s siblings agreed to stop exchanging gifts at birthdays, his mother’s response was, "You’re not going to stop sending me gifts on my birthday, are you?" Gifts, money spent . . . all mean love to her eyes. That probably is the reason she wanted her son to choose the most expensive ring in the case . . . if you were willing to pay that price, then that was a physical sign of love.
Her son made a choice to marry you. That puts you in a beloved place in his life. I wish you well. Be strong. Chinese families are very complicated and have many, many layers.
One question, though . . . what did they go shopping for with the red envelope money and the 1000 yuan? Was it for household items or personal items? Additionally, does your husband have an income or are you the sole breadwinner in the family?
One last thing about visa interview . . . I have American/Chinese couple friends who have been refused quite often for their visas and have to apply multiple times to get to the States. Good luck on that one! Trust me, the interviewer will be able to pick up on any stress relating to your marriage. Be sure of your doubts . . . are they over your marriage or just over the relationship with MIL?
Yellow on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
Looks like you are being used. Poor Chinese families see marriage as a way to increase their social standing. Your in-laws sees you as an ATM and inferior to them because of your skin color (ironic since it’s obvious you are the more civilized, socially and economically, one).
Hate to say this but either your husband is in on it or is spineless to stand up for you. Personally I would leave because in Chinese tradition the in-laws will always be there… be prepared to have your money sent to the in-laws for the rest of your life. Why financially support someone who obviously detest and looks down on you?
KathyM on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
Even though I would love to disagree with many of the people here, but what they are saying is true. What you have experienced is very normal in the Asian (mostly Chinese and some south Asian) cultures. The man’s family always have the upperhand and especially if the woman’s family is no Chinese – you’re expected to worship and obey. Families who have left China and are living in North America are better as many of their traditional values have been "interfered" with Western views. Things might get even more tough after your husband gets his visa (cuz she’ll think that he doesn’t really need you anymore if you should show her that you don’t like her or have any intentions to disobey her wishes) and/or you get pregnant (especially if you give him a son – she as the paternal grandmother rules over everyone – it’s her way or no way with raising/discipling the kid).
As long as she doesn’t keep asking your husband for money because you know she’s got him programmed to give her everything she wants – money, etc. Imagine if the situation is reversed, your family needed financial help – what would she say/do? Would she help? I am not sure. She might even tell her son to leave you…
Unless you become totally submissive to her wishes and obey every rules she has set for you, your husband and your kids…this is just the beginning of a life-long headache.
What would I do in this situation? I left my ex. It was expected to get a second job to support him and his family while he "quit" his job cuz he needed a break from working. I had to pay for his online shopping addiction and his family’s car insurances. My parents worked hard to achieve the comfortable lifestyle they have today – and I refuse to use my parent’s money on free-loaders like my ex and his family.
Elena S on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
in fact all is very primitive, either there is respect — or not…
ppl can tell long tales about traditions, cultures bla bla bla
but…
if a person has no respect to you — that means give no respect to this person…
it is very asian to make compromises and ! – the most important – ! – enjoy suffering…
all those scandals, complains, tears, intrigues, they are a part of local life…
without them, they feel the life is boring…
so you make a conscious choice, whether you want your life to be like that or not…
westerners usually enjoy that kind of entertainment on TV, not in the kitchen, living-room or bedroom…
as for the question of using you…
well, getting USA citizenship is a tasty piece of cake…
seven years after marriage, if i remember it right…
as Chinese people like suffering it may be the reason for him to be with you…
kinda "self-sacrifice", very popular reason for doing anything…
i’m not saying it is, i’m saying it may be…
you’ll now for sure 7 yrs later
in any case, i’m not a negotiable type of person so i would immediately inform everyone (husband, his mother and all the relatives personally) if they were getting on my nerves…
coz there are many nice and peaceful people in the world…
why to deal with those who are not?…
if someone is hurting your feelings — it’s a sign the people don’t care of you…
why should you be with the people who don’t care?…
who make troubles when everything is all right…
if something bad happens — they don’t start caring suddenly, they’ll just follow the same path of ignoring your needs and wishes…
and that will be double hard…
i don’t know. that’s not a family in my eyes…
listening to daily complains is not my lifestyle…
Ooo on February 24, 2010 at 9:26 am
Half of the problem is due to the Oriental (or precisely Confucius) brought-up, ie youngsters are always expected to respect the elderly. In Oriental families, Parents are always the dominant figure of the family, kids will remain kids forever. (Isnt it somewhat similar to their govt?) The Parents will lose alot of face infront of friends and relatives if their kids disobey them or disrespect the parents’ wishes. This explains why the mother-in-law would try to "teach (discipline)" her daughter-in-law the "family rules" at the outsted. When she tried to overcome your voice, she’s giving out a message that when she’s talking, kids (including you) are supposed to listen.
The other half of the issue will be strictly the relationship between your husband and you and to this end, only you can tell. Can you delay moving back to the States say at least a few more years? In any case, the first 1-2 years of a marriage are adaptations of one another between the husband and wife, it’s better to go through the adaption period in China so that you could observe and learn more about your husband. Just make sure you dont have a baby when you’re not 100% certain.