Can someone revise my poem for me line by line? Thanks in advance!!?
Sep 30, 2009
in
Earthquake Questions
“The Earthquake Magnet”
All of a sudden you know you’re hit
Like a pile of falling pissed off bricks
The inevitable eruption you’re so afraid of
Spins in a hate you were supposed to love
That steadfast tremor inside your head
As the panic shakes your conscious dead
And after the trembles settle you realize too late
You’re an earthquake magnet dealt unlucky fate
Laying on the floor in your own disgust
A moment after a clashing thrust
The dizziness drowns out the noisy shrieks
Now nothing but the smell of your own stench reeks
Lazily twitching like a dried up sunfish
Hopeless like a puppy in an empty food dish
You’re eight years old and mom’s enemy
A carpet stain her last memory
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2 comments
Erin D on September 30, 2009 at 4:14 am
I think it’s good. It came from you and that’s how it should be. I like it. No revision necessary.
Jeff G on September 30, 2009 at 4:14 am
The two last lines of the first paragraph need to be revised because they dont make much sense. Also hit and bricks doesn’t realy rhyme, this wouldn’t matter if you didn’t have a rhythmic poem. Also i do not think that lazily is word.
I hope this helps you